i've been really struggling to word this one
i think too many of my personal projects depend way too much on other people's opinions for it to be considered a success
im not anti-player or anything, it's just a really fragile metric
it makes me sad how often i constrain my own ideas to account for an imaginary audience. organic ideas im excited about get filtered by some internal naive closed-minded critic to make it better suit the expectations of a made up nebulous market
it kind of ruins the art, the hobby, the fun thing i do on weekends
this is the part im struggling to word
so heres an example,
i got my first mean comment on A Love Story About Love. its just kind of hilarious, like, why isn't there MORE hate?!?!
when making this game, the last thing i was thinking about was the player. i used stock images, youtube-to-mp3 music, and unrecognisable self indulgent references. this game was just for me, and i expected it to only be for my eyes (then it got itch.io front page fuuuuuckkkk)
but, because i made this game just for me, just to say something i wanted to say, there is no amount of hate i could get for this game that would even remotely impact me. i am proud of it and always will be
however... if i got this comment on Permuter (the game i made specifically to Be Sold to The Market™), i'd never forget it
i'd probably be so ashamed i'd take the game down
infact it puts a pit in my stomach to even say Permuter was a game "for the market" because it's disgracefully unimpressive. it's almost so bland, so scared of being original, so sanded down that there's pretty much nothing novel there. i think that's what you get for trying to appease an imaginary broad audience. by definition, a new novel idea has no audience, because it's novel. and if it has no audience, then it'll be weeded out by your inner critic for being too risky and unproven
so what you're left with is a bucket of things we've seen a million times before
because im not proud of Permuter, i'm one mean comment away from taking it down
i've done this many times before, in all seriousness. im not showing you how many itch.io games ive had to private just because i got one comment calling it boring, or that my fangame is inaccurate to the lore of the source material...
idk why so many of my games are one hit away from being destroyed. i think that's the cost of not being built on a foundation of pride, or identity, or truth, but it's made for the sole purpose of being a product. even my game jam games - "practice runs" for what would become a real product down the line - right?
i am embarassed about a lot of my simpler games, and i hate ppl finding out about them
in the same way im invunerable to criticism on my honest games - i am unreceptive to praise on games i am not proud of
it doesn't matter how many people say kind things about it - i can't really take the compliments. id filter every piece of praise into something it's not, just so it conforms with my belief that what i make sorta sucks - "they're just being kind, but deep down, they know it sucks too"
you cannot connect with cold and corporate. thats what i think all my art has been all this time
my games show nothing, they say nothing, they are a surface level conversation in polished professional inoffensive corporate speak, missionary for the purposes of procreation. here's some ideas i like, that i know a wide audience also likes
but the second i let my hair down and made something honest and stupid and about something i really care about, the results were immediate. i wanted to write forever. it came bursting out of me like habit. like a learned-helpless animal trapped its whole life has just had its cage door opened - scared until its feet hit the ground and it realised where it was and it ran and ran and ran
but... wait... this is not what i expected. the easiest game ive ever made — no effort, it took a few hours, the-player-can-go-fuck-themselves-core, something for me and nobody else — got the most loving, deep and fulfilling comments i've ever received in my life, for any art i've ever made, period. i go back and read them all the time. they hit harder than anything. i don't understand. i know i loved making it but it sucks, nobody asked for it, this isn't want The Market wanted...
even now, im scared of writing this. i feel like im stupid, or that im being way too big-headed about a tiny "0 yr old baby has their First Idea Ever" game i made and think it's far grander than it is. or that i'm some sort of victim of other people's expectations when in reality nobody is really truly expecting anything of me. it feels like just talking honestly is going to make me the subject of ridicule, but i think hiding my whole life has given me the far worse fate of being nothing at all
i don't know if im drawing conclusions too fast, but maybe that's the point i've been missing for so long. maybe people are looking for something real, even if it's ugly or cringe. something that's recognisable and is identifiably your own. maybe this is the stepping stone in an artist's life where they realise that painting beautiful realism is just jerking off the audience instead of having something to say to them
you can't be someone's favourite person if you make yourself invisible. you can't be somebody's favourite artist if your work doesn't say anything
i feel im just jerking everyone off.. or at least trying to.. and doing a bad job.. dissonant living of making things for other people, but not being able to take the praise i work so hard for... i gotta jerk myself off once in a while!!
i think - i hope - if i make something new, it'll have to be for me. something that relies on nobody else's validation for it to be a success. even if 10000 people played it and thinks it sucks, it would be a success. i can say "you just dont get it..." while i smoke a big bunt
i want to stop making games for.. some weird ephemeral corporate reason i don't even really understand yet... (did i want to make an indie company? honestly.. i feel like that'd be emotionally miserable and monetarily not worth it, especially if i stay stuck in this pit of trying to make games i think people will like, not making the games i truly want to make..)
i understand that tearing urself away from measuring success by potential-made-up-market-value is a painfully slow process and a lot to unlearn. it's obvious where this feeling comes from, and how early it begins
but now i kind of have enough money, and enough friends, and enough of an audience
happiness is the rarest thing in my life now
i want to rediscover making art for my own happiness again. anything else that happens is a nice side effect. you will maybe see it.. or maybe not!!
also thank you domino club and tails jekel
i realised this post is kinda what A Love Story About Love is literally about . soirry ive only ever had 1 thought